Why am I still hurting?
When difficult things happen, it is natural for our minds to avoid the emotional pain through avoidance. No one wants to hurt. But in essence not dealing with the hurt, anger, indignation; we tend to shove it to the back of our mind and lock it up for a few months with the idea being that when we eventually revisit it, the hurt would have dissipated. Unfortunately The human heart doesn’t work that way. This habit learned in childhood where we developed a ‘wonderful’ aptitude for invalidating and/or ignoring our feelings and experiences as a coping mechanism usually prolongs our suffering not dissipate it.
Do you feel stuck?
Cant get over a rejection or a betrayal?
We get stuck at certain stages of the grief process because we are not surrendering our false held beliefs about the circumstances or situation in its entirety.
The stages of grief that we go through are part of honouring the good, bad, and indifferent of what we felt, experienced and even hoped for, and are entirely natural and necessary. If you’re stuck, it’s because you get stuck on one particular aspect of it or veer back and forth.
If you’ve wondered why you keep going back it’s because not only are you trapped in your feelings and seeking validation but if this current hurt is similar to an old hurt, it’s like “Let me avoid dealing with what I need to by trying to control the uncontrollable and attempting to right the wrongs of the past”.
Some people get stuck in denial.
Wanting to not believe it is natural and initially it helps you come to terms with what’s happened if you have your feet in reality. It’s ongoing denial that’s dangerous because reality isn’t catching up with the fantasy.
Some progress into anger and stay angry both with themselves and/or with the other party. Anger is actually a great healer if you process and grow out of it but sometimes we can become obsessed with the anger, blaming ourselves too much, being a victim, or feeling like we have to tell them all about themselves or even take revenge.
If you’ve ever gone back and forth to an ex or are still coming up with Plan 179 to ‘win back your ex’ it’s because you’re still bargaining. If you keep playing out the drama in your head, coming up with plans or even trying to act upon them, you might go back to being angry or in denial.
If you can’t move past the depression, it’s because you’ve become stuck in the negative side of accepting that the relationship is over.
Yes remembering is painful but actually, the power to hurt is quite limited and ridding ourself of pent up hurt, anger, and frustration gives us clarity and calm. The sky won’t fall down, our ex’s skeletons won’t come back from the unavailable and assclown cemetery to haunt us, and some fresh perspective (support groups, therapy, feelings diaries, unsent letters etc. can be very helpful here) helps to stop taking ownership of other people’s BS and instead focus on what We know We can truly be accountable for – our own actions and what We chose to be and participate in going forward.
You cant force yourself to get over something.
Breakups, moving on, dodging old hurt – they’re exactly like this. But when We stop dodging ourself, romanticising a ‘bad romance’ and putting ourself at the centre of other people’s actions, it takes months instead of the many years To stop treating ourselves like we are not good enough.
Treating yourself well will break the hurt cycle but this requires us to change our mental BS diet, not avoiding our feelings, and redefining our boundaries away from toxic, and having a positive commitment to ourself instead of a negative commitment to someone else.
The Gift of Goodbye: Silence is Golden
The best place to start when you are stuck is no contact. You cannot process trauma while being currently in trauma. You can’t get your healing from the place thats hurting you. And no contact puts up a solid boundary that is explicitly stating through action not words the reality that the situation is terminated. For most people no contact feels almost short of impossible. And I don’t recommend no contact without first carefully crafting an emotional support system who can fill the emotional gaps that this old relationship was ineffectively providing.
The No Contact Rule is essential to breaking up when you can’t or won’t let go, or you’re tired of being treated like a backup plan, or constantly being used, manipulated, unappreciated, or taken advantage of, or better yet perpetually being lied to or cheated on.
When a relationship ends, your interest isn’t returned, or you’re dealing with a commitment-shy person, the sense of rejection that results tends to cause us to continue to engage with them for attention and validation in the hope of a happy ending. Instead we create more pain for ourselves and are unable to move on.
Have you found yourself unable to let go of a relationship even though the person has already moved on?
Are you hoping that if you hold on for long enough, the object of your affections will reciprocate your feelings?
Do you keep breaking up to make up? Have you been doing it for years?
Do you become near obsessed when it’s over and keep returning to the relationship in the hope that things will be different this time?
Or have you found yourself dealing with someone who keeps trying to contact you when you tell them it’s over…but is not prepared to give you the relationship you want?
Confused by being chased, the mixed signals, the hounding you with texts and phonecalls and then disappearing, the leaving you for another and then sniffing around you, and their patent inability to let you go so that you can grieve and move on? Its called the go away a little closer game.
Does he/she keep talking about being friends but is pushing for sexual contact?
Is he/she not interested in you in ‘that way’ but you keep trying to persuade them?
Do you avoid him/her for a while and then call him/her out of the blue hoping that he/she be different?
We never get what we deserve in any situation, we only get what we energetically negotiate by our boundaries. The only way out is to Inject boundaries so you can kill off the yo-yoing and boomeranging back and forth so that you can move on.
Strong boundaries only develop by really coming to terms with your own feelings, emotions, fears; when you start to love yourself and know yourself from the inside out. Because once you create a healthy self value and self worth belief system only then are you unwilling to allow anyone to strip that dignity away via all forms of disrespect and mistreatment. And most people that grew up in unstable toxic codependent childhood environments never were taught by a healthy role model what self love and self respect and self-care really look and feel like. Most toxic childhoods are riddled with self preservation in survival mode.
No Contact will stop you from ruling out all your options by fighting the compulsion to make the person, the relationship, and your pain the only option.
Ive read numerous articles that use no contact as a manipulation tactic to somehow reverse engineer the scarcity law into retrieving a lost relationship. This tactic although may sometimes work- it works on the wrong premise. If you have to manipulate someone to want you in their life, it will never amount true deep satisfying love.
So the moral of the story is you’re gonna pay now or you’re gonna pay later. You cannot shove the terrible feelings into a hurt locker and bury them somewhere in a compartmentalization section of your heart or mind. The only way to the other side to peace is going through the pain and grief and despair because every emotion we experience is finite. Eventually you find the end of the emotion. And it is my personal experience the harder and deeper you love, the worse the pain of the loss is.